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[protectingthelight]

This is Amilyn Holdo's message box. Please leave a message.

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voice; @wingingit

[volitaunt]

How many people. How many people did I get killed.

[ It's flat. The voice of a man who isn't quite in denial but by god, he's close to the edge. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ There's a silence populated by every swearword Amilyn knows. It's a lot of them. And the thing is, she knows there's nothing she can say to ameliorate her answer. No "it's not your fault", no "it was war, things happen"—Dameron defied a direct order, was demoted for it. People died. And they might not have, if he hadn't insisted on that foolish charge. ]

[ When she finally speaks, it's the monotone of a military debrief. ]

We lost all our bombers with all hands, and half a dozen fighters.

[volitaunt]

[ His own silence stretches, too.

Poe has to put his comm down. He should mute it, he should hang up, but as it is he barely makes it to their room's small 'fresher before he collapses over the toilet and throws up. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ Amilyn hears it, and on her end all she can do is bury her face in her hands. Second-guessing herself. Maybe she shouldn't have told him. But in his present mood, as best as she can read it, he'd have persisted, no matter what she had to say, and lying to him would have never been an option. ]

[ She sits and waits, feeling queasy herself. ]

[volitaunt]

[ There's more retching, even though he's got nothing left to bring up. It takes a minute for him to come back. His voice is rough from puking, faint with the presence of death. ]

That's why you called me captain.

[protectingthelight]

She demoted you, almost the moment you got back aboard the Raddus.

[ No need to say who she is. Amilyn's tone is still matter-of-fact, still in that debrief mode, but softer now, shaded with compassion. ]

[volitaunt]

[ Silence, again. ]

She should have done worse.

[ What else could she have done? The New Republic is gone. The Resistance's command structure is already in pieces. His place is closer to the top than he ever expected to be. Was. And they can't afford him out of the cockpit. It's not ego, that thought, not right now. Not when he just learned how few fighters they have left.

Dully: ] Thank you.

[protectingthelight]

[ She can't disagree with that assessment. Nor did she disagree with Leia's reasoning, which was exactly what Poe recognizes. They couldn't spare a single person, not even a hothead.

Don't thank me, she almost says. ]

I'm sorry you had to find out. Like this.

[volitaunt]

[ What can he say to that? Thank you, again, like he can feel any real gratitude for any of this? ]

I understand why you didn't want me to.

[ It's a twisted, reverse kind of I-told-you-so. It's better at least than a thank you. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ There is absolutely nothing in any kind of etiquette book or briefing for this kind of situation. Best Amilyn can do is stick to the script that she would use with someone after any military disaster. ]

You should ...

[ Keep yourself busy, she almost says, but that sounds bad in her head before it even forms itself into spoken words. She pauses, then: ]

How can I help you now, Dameron? Even if it's just to let you be for now, I'll do what I can.

[volitaunt]

[ He's not sure how to answer her. He doesn't know what he needs, doesn't even know what he wants. ]

Thank you. [ He hears how shocky his voice sounds and clears his throat. ] I think-- I think I need to think.

[protectingthelight]

Of course.

[ A pause. ]

I'm here. If you want. If you need.

video; un: ren

[killthepast]

[ This is not... ideal. But, Ren's spent too long feeling untethered and adrift since receiving the canister containing his memories, and he has nobody familiar to turn to. At least, nobody who knows who he is beyond Kylo Ren. Just his 'aunt' and his mother. And Rey. And there's too much hurt and bad blood for him to reach out to the latter two right now.

Amilyn, at least, is staying on this moon, too. So it's by an uncomfortable process of elimination that he sends her this message, his brusqueness an obvious mask for his uncertainty. ]

I need to speak with you.

[protectingthelight]

[ This is unexpected.

She actually hesitated a moment after the ping of her communicator when the call ID revealed who it was, but she couldn’t not answer, in the end. ]

Very well. In person, or—?

[killthepast]

[ A large part of him expected her to reject his demand. He's reasonably certain that the same part of him wanted her to. That she doesn't is a small surprise, one that he takes a moment to consider before responding: ]

In person. You can choose the location.

[ You know, in case she's worried about it being a trap. ]

[protectingthelight]

My office in the government center, if that suits you. Or we can use one of the private meeting rooms here.

[ It’s relatively neutral territory, quiet, and—not incidentally—within easy reach of security. ]

[killthepast]

Your office will do. [ The government center is neutral enough, and he's reasonably sure nobody he's avoiding will be lurking around there. He pauses, uncertain, as if trying to figure out what else to say, then just bites out: ] I'll be there shortly.

[ And off he goes, to meet up with yet another person he's known as both family and an enemy, for a conversation that he can't really have with anybody else. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ She sends down orders to reception that Kylo Ren is to be brought to her office as soon as he arrives—amused, briefly, that this is a sentence that she can even form—and settles in to wait. She fights an urge to pace, instead working through a series of Gatalentan breathing exercises to stay calm and centered.

What in the world can Ben Solo possibly want from her? ]

[killthepast]

[ This is a scenario he's never anticipated: seeking out Holdo, in her office, because he's so desperate to make some sense of the options facing him. It's not even sympathy he's after-- indeed, he'd rather not have it-- so much as... any idea of where to go and what to do with himself next.

What he knows for certain: he doesn't want to return to their galaxy, and he doesn't want to spend his days here reliving the same fight with the same people, over and over again. He meant what he told Rey before, when their bond rekindled: he's ready to leave everything behind. The First Order and the Resistance (new names for the same old factions), the Sith and the Jedi, all of it.

Beyond that? Everything is dauntingly, frighteningly open. And as he's escorted to Amilyn's office, he's still not sure what exactly he wants to say, or how to even begin...

Once they're alone, he stares at her in silence, then lets his gaze drift around the office, curious about any personal touches she may have added. It's a moment where he seems more like Ben Solo than Kylo Ren.

Annnnd yeah, he's stalling to avoid... starting this whole talk. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ Holdo keeps her office spare. There’s a tea kettle and some pretty, delicate cups and a few tins of tea. A few abstract watercolor paintings on the wall, seemingly calculated to be as inconspicuous as possible. Standard issue furniture. A tidy desk.

She stands when he’s brought in, stays standing as he looks the place over. She knows about some of the dust-ups he’s been involved in (what Dameron and Leia have told her, essentially), but she’s largely let him to his own devices since their last conversation. And she cannot fathom what he must want now.

She lets him stall for a few moments, then: ]

Have a seat. Would you like anything to drink? Tea?

[ One of her standard opening gambits in moments of deep uncertainty: play it as normal, as bland and ordinary as possible. ]

[killthepast]

No.

[ No to tea, that is. He does take a seat, however, with some reluctance, hands resting on the arms of the chair just as easily as if it were a throne. ]

I'm finished with... where we come from. [ There. Saying it to somebody else makes it real. ] I intend to leave it, and its conflicts, in the past.

[ And he doesn't really know what that means from here, beyond his desire to be able to exist without people either trying to pull him into the Resistance or trying to kill him on its behalf. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ When he sits, she follows suit, though she stays on the same side of the desk as him, choosing the other of the two visitor chairs. She's aware of her own tension, a fight-or-flight instinct itching under the skin. Kylo Ren—Ben—is such an unpredictable young man, to her. Besides, she knows about the fights he's had here, and back home, even some of the Resistance's upper echelon had heard rumors of his legendary tantrums from their spies.

Whatever she was expecting him to say, that wasn't it. She's completely confused for a moment, and she has to run through what he just said in her head before she can formulate a response. ]

Why?

[ That's really not a good response, but ... she has no idea what else to say. Then she manages: ]

How do you propose to do that? Stay here?

[killthepast]

[ He can feel her tension, too, and that she chooses to sit beside him, rather than across from him, is an interesting decision. Tactical, or a show of good faith, he wonders. Though the two aren't exactly mutually exclusive.

'Why' is a fair enough question, and one that Ren isn't sure quite how he wants to answer, though... he knows it's one of the reasons he came here to speak with Holdo in the first place. To parse out his reasons for this, and try to articulate them to somebody with the greatest chance of understanding the situation, and-- ideally-- the least to gain from a particular agenda, considering her circumstances.

Not that he doubts, in the slightest, her continued commitment to the Resistance.

It's easier, he finds, to answer the second question first. ]

I'm going to refuse any portal back to... [ Not home. He doesn't consider where he came from to be 'home.' He doesn't consider this place home yet, either, but there's potential here. ] Back. [ When he'd arrived, he demanded an immediate return home. Raged at the orientation team, the doctors, the city's representatives. He'd insisted his arrival was a mistake, one they'd better correct immediately. Like some of the others here, he'd every intention of hopping back the moment they were able to calibrate the portal to send him home. ] Given the choice, I'm choosing to remain here.

The First Order... The Resistance. [ His voice grows harder and he looks at Holdo, resolve plain, now, in his face. ] They can both burn. I want to be left to my fresh start.

[ Which is impossible to do when members of the Resistance, and their allies, remain determined to bring the conflict to him here. And now, with Hux... It's either become further enmeshed in a conflict he wishes to abandon, or take his chance to end his role in it, now. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ Amilyn Holdo has known many people who walked away from the war. Wars. People who wanted no part of it for a variety of reasons: fear, heartsickness, exhaustion. She never imagined that the boy Ben Solo would be one of them—nor did she imagine that Snoke's feared apprentice would, either.

Of course, knowing now that they're the same man and the fact of being in Riverview changes the equations completely, doesn't it? ]

Some people might call that giving up.

[ Though it's clear from the way she says it that she doesn't necessarily think that herself. ]

Or running away.

[ Though as she says it, she recalls a piece of advice she gave to Poe Dameron. ]

But there can be all kinds of reasons for retreat, and not all of them are bad.

[ She does wonder a little at her own evenness, right now. Maybe it's just surprise at the whole situation that's keeping her calm, in a way. ]

[killthepast]

[ His eyes narrow at what some people might say, though he knows it's true. He's a monster if he remains with the First Order, a traitor if he joins the Resistance, and a coward if he leaves all of it behind.

It's almost funny, how much the words he's spat at FN-2187 are a reflection of his own bind now. And though he'll never admit it to anyone, Ren knows that at least some of his wrath towards the former stormtrooper was born from... envy. Plain, simple jealousy. ]

This is an opportunity to... [ There's a note of hesitation as he draws in a breath. Out with it now. ] Make my own path.

[ The opportunity Ben Solo should have had. To be nobody, after a lifetime of having others define him-- not because of who he is, but because of his blood and his power-- it's intoxicating. A freedom he's never known before he came to this moon.

He's almost free, anyway. ]

Given the option, you would go back, wouldn't you? [ The way he says it, it's hardly a question. ]

[protectingthelight]

[ It stings, whether he meant it to or not—that reminder that she doesn't have the choice to return. She doesn't flinch, but her gaze drops to her hands for a moment. ]

Yes. But ... what I would have to return to is simpler in a way than what you have, isn't it?

[ Because Amilyn Holdo knows who she is, is comfortable in her skin, and knows what she stands for. She always has, and in that, she's been lucky. And she knows it. ]

What path do you think you'll be able to make here?