[ When he sits, she follows suit, though she stays on the same side of the desk as him, choosing the other of the two visitor chairs. She's aware of her own tension, a fight-or-flight instinct itching under the skin. Kylo Ren—Ben—is such an unpredictable young man, to her. Besides, she knows about the fights he's had here, and back home, even some of the Resistance's upper echelon had heard rumors of his legendary tantrums from their spies.
Whatever she was expecting him to say, that wasn't it. She's completely confused for a moment, and she has to run through what he just said in her head before she can formulate a response. ]
Why?
[ That's really not a good response, but ... she has no idea what else to say. Then she manages: ]
[ He can feel her tension, too, and that she chooses to sit beside him, rather than across from him, is an interesting decision. Tactical, or a show of good faith, he wonders. Though the two aren't exactly mutually exclusive.
'Why' is a fair enough question, and one that Ren isn't sure quite how he wants to answer, though... he knows it's one of the reasons he came here to speak with Holdo in the first place. To parse out his reasons for this, and try to articulate them to somebody with the greatest chance of understanding the situation, and-- ideally-- the least to gain from a particular agenda, considering her circumstances.
Not that he doubts, in the slightest, her continued commitment to the Resistance.
It's easier, he finds, to answer the second question first. ]
I'm going to refuse any portal back to... [ Not home. He doesn't consider where he came from to be 'home.' He doesn't consider this place home yet, either, but there's potential here. ] Back. [ When he'd arrived, he demanded an immediate return home. Raged at the orientation team, the doctors, the city's representatives. He'd insisted his arrival was a mistake, one they'd better correct immediately. Like some of the others here, he'd every intention of hopping back the moment they were able to calibrate the portal to send him home. ] Given the choice, I'm choosing to remain here.
The First Order... The Resistance. [ His voice grows harder and he looks at Holdo, resolve plain, now, in his face. ] They can both burn. I want to be left to my fresh start.
[ Which is impossible to do when members of the Resistance, and their allies, remain determined to bring the conflict to him here. And now, with Hux... It's either become further enmeshed in a conflict he wishes to abandon, or take his chance to end his role in it, now. ]
[ Amilyn Holdo has known many people who walked away from the war. Wars. People who wanted no part of it for a variety of reasons: fear, heartsickness, exhaustion. She never imagined that the boy Ben Solo would be one of them—nor did she imagine that Snoke's feared apprentice would, either.
Of course, knowing now that they're the same man and the fact of being in Riverview changes the equations completely, doesn't it? ]
Some people might call that giving up.
[ Though it's clear from the way she says it that she doesn't necessarily think that herself. ]
[ His eyes narrow at what some people might say, though he knows it's true. He's a monster if he remains with the First Order, a traitor if he joins the Resistance, and a coward if he leaves all of it behind.
It's almost funny, how much the words he's spat at FN-2187 are a reflection of his own bind now. And though he'll never admit it to anyone, Ren knows that at least some of his wrath towards the former stormtrooper was born from... envy. Plain, simple jealousy. ]
This is an opportunity to... [ There's a note of hesitation as he draws in a breath. Out with it now. ] Make my own path.
[ The opportunity Ben Solo should have had. To be nobody, after a lifetime of having others define him-- not because of who he is, but because of his blood and his power-- it's intoxicating. A freedom he's never known before he came to this moon.
He's almost free, anyway. ]
Given the option, you would go back, wouldn't you? [ The way he says it, it's hardly a question. ]
[ It stings, whether he meant it to or not—that reminder that she doesn't have the choice to return. She doesn't flinch, but her gaze drops to her hands for a moment. ]
Yes. But ... what I would have to return to is simpler in a way than what you have, isn't it?
[ Because Amilyn Holdo knows who she is, is comfortable in her skin, and knows what she stands for. She always has, and in that, she's been lucky. And she knows it. ]
What path do you think you'll be able to make here?
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Date: 2018-03-19 05:35 pm (UTC)Whatever she was expecting him to say, that wasn't it. She's completely confused for a moment, and she has to run through what he just said in her head before she can formulate a response. ]
Why?
[ That's really not a good response, but ... she has no idea what else to say. Then she manages: ]
How do you propose to do that? Stay here?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:22 pm (UTC)'Why' is a fair enough question, and one that Ren isn't sure quite how he wants to answer, though... he knows it's one of the reasons he came here to speak with Holdo in the first place. To parse out his reasons for this, and try to articulate them to somebody with the greatest chance of understanding the situation, and-- ideally-- the least to gain from a particular agenda, considering her circumstances.
Not that he doubts, in the slightest, her continued commitment to the Resistance.
It's easier, he finds, to answer the second question first. ]
I'm going to refuse any portal back to... [ Not home. He doesn't consider where he came from to be 'home.' He doesn't consider this place home yet, either, but there's potential here. ] Back. [ When he'd arrived, he demanded an immediate return home. Raged at the orientation team, the doctors, the city's representatives. He'd insisted his arrival was a mistake, one they'd better correct immediately. Like some of the others here, he'd every intention of hopping back the moment they were able to calibrate the portal to send him home. ] Given the choice, I'm choosing to remain here.
The First Order... The Resistance. [ His voice grows harder and he looks at Holdo, resolve plain, now, in his face. ] They can both burn. I want to be left to my fresh start.
[ Which is impossible to do when members of the Resistance, and their allies, remain determined to bring the conflict to him here. And now, with Hux... It's either become further enmeshed in a conflict he wishes to abandon, or take his chance to end his role in it, now. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 02:54 am (UTC)Of course, knowing now that they're the same man and the fact of being in Riverview changes the equations completely, doesn't it? ]
Some people might call that giving up.
[ Though it's clear from the way she says it that she doesn't necessarily think that herself. ]
Or running away.
[ Though as she says it, she recalls a piece of advice she gave to Poe Dameron. ]
But there can be all kinds of reasons for retreat, and not all of them are bad.
[ She does wonder a little at her own evenness, right now. Maybe it's just surprise at the whole situation that's keeping her calm, in a way. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-26 08:06 pm (UTC)It's almost funny, how much the words he's spat at FN-2187 are a reflection of his own bind now. And though he'll never admit it to anyone, Ren knows that at least some of his wrath towards the former stormtrooper was born from... envy. Plain, simple jealousy. ]
This is an opportunity to... [ There's a note of hesitation as he draws in a breath. Out with it now. ] Make my own path.
[ The opportunity Ben Solo should have had. To be nobody, after a lifetime of having others define him-- not because of who he is, but because of his blood and his power-- it's intoxicating. A freedom he's never known before he came to this moon.
He's almost free, anyway. ]
Given the option, you would go back, wouldn't you? [ The way he says it, it's hardly a question. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-29 08:48 pm (UTC)Yes. But ... what I would have to return to is simpler in a way than what you have, isn't it?
[ Because Amilyn Holdo knows who she is, is comfortable in her skin, and knows what she stands for. She always has, and in that, she's been lucky. And she knows it. ]
What path do you think you'll be able to make here?